


Carborundum

by JoAsakura



Series: The Dark Road [5]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 12:38:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7103797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoAsakura/pseuds/JoAsakura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>MASS EFFECT BIG BANG 2016</p><p>In the wake of the Reaper War, their monstrous foes now turned uneasy allies, Kaidan searches for closure in the wake of Shepard's disappearance.</p><p>A search that puts him into terrible danger</p><p>This work would not have been possible without the wonderful Beta of BardofHeartDive and of course my fantastic art partner for MEBB16, Mia (bluekrishna101).</p><p>Thank you both for being a part of this journey with me!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

Story: JoAsakura | Art: bluekrishna101 | Beta: BardofHeartDive

 

**PART ONE**

 

 _ **ONE** _  
  
This is how the story ends: There are tears and laughter, singing in the streets. The good guys win.  
  
The sky opened up that day, blue-white like the heart of a newborn star, like the gates of Heaven split wide to burn away the darkness.  
  
For a second, for just one second, the light _sounded_ like a scream. Not a scream, a song pitched too high, too loud, too fast to understand the melody. A song that resonated in the bones of every living thing, biotic and synthetic alike. For just one second, the light _smelled_ wet and _blue_ and ozone-sharp, air washed clean after a raging storm.

Then the light was gone as the thunder growled and hot rain, stinking of ash and blood, spattered from the dark London sky in fat, slow drops.  
  
And just like that, the War was over.  
  
Kaidan was not in London when the war ended - the Normandy was tumbling halfway across the galaxy. She was caught on the bow edge of the shockwave a hundred suddenly erupting relays generated, bouncing along the subspace pathways until she fell screaming through the atmosphere of a unnamed, distant world.

But in that single, *singular* blue moment, when artificial gravity failed and the end was all he could see, that song overtook everything else. The biotics heard it in their bones and their blood, EDI screeched out a garbled song of broken code and everyone of them felt inexplicable tears, the faint nostalgic touch of a ghost's kiss as it passed through the halls with the wave.  
  
The Normandy crashed, shattering bones and metal with equal ease as she tore through the underbrush. It wasn't until later, as Kaidan sat choking on his grief in the shattered captain’s quarters, listening to the broken transmissions skittering through the comms, that they knew the War was over.  
  
And winning felt exactly like losing everything.  
  
When the Reaper appeared, its cannons glowing that same singular, brilliant blue, and announced in a voice like thunder that it was there to carry them home, winning didn't feel like anything at all.

 

 

 

 

 **** _TWO_ _  
_  
Kaidan woke with a start, thunder rumbling against the broad windows overlooking English Bay.  
  
The lights of a city slowly being reborn cast flashes of red and blue through the blinds, competing with the lazy, distant lightning and for a moment, he was back in London, bleeding out as Shepard carried him to evac, whispering "I love you" in every language he knew.  
  
The radio was tuned between stations, and there was only the hiss and pop of white noise in between the thunder and the distant sounds of the city.

Kaidan lay in the flickering gloom, listening. Sometimes, he swore he heard voices in there. He swore he heard Shepard in that noise, and he strained, closing his eyes against the darkness. He never changed the channel.  
  
"The time is 0245," Shepard's voice clearly said, and the room suddenly lit in the dull orange glow of a VI hard-light projection. Kaidan jumped, scattering the datapads littering his bed and sending them clattering to the floor, too loud in the quiet room. "Your alarm is set for 0930, Major." The VI added helpfully.  
  
"I didn't ask you." Kaidan scrubbed a hand across his clammy face. The VI looked at him, Shepard's broad features set in the kind of neutral expression the real one only ever used when he was making obscene gestures behind his back at the Council or Hackett. "Is the weather going to clear up today?" Kaidan propped himself up, to look at the half-hearted drizzle trickling down the glass.

  
"No change in the forecast for the next week." The VI tilted its head. Kaidan hated the head tilt. It was too much like something the real Shepard would do.  "And honestly, the damage wrought to the Earth's atmosphere due to the war will take several years to be repaired, even with recent advances in terraforming equipment."  
  
"It gives me a headache, this weather," Kaidan muttered, flopping back down to watch the play of shadows and light across the ceiling.  
  
"Your medication is about six inches away from you on the nightstand." The VI sounded like it was chiding him, and Kaidan turned to look at that irritatingly bland expression. "And you've repeatedly said how you prefer it overcast as to not see those..." The VI paused, then made a set of exaggerated air quotes. "...'Monstrous bastards hanging in low orbit like the vultures they are'."  
  
"You are not a handsome or entertaining guy, you know that?" Kaidan said bitterly. "Your nose is way too big."  
  
"Several extranet polls declaring Commander Shepard the Sexiest Human of All Time would disagree with your assessment," the VI replied without affect as the image briefly sputtered and glitched.  
  
"I meant you, specifically. Not Shepard. Go back to sleep mode. I hate talking to you, you glitchy piece of shit." Kaidan irritably plucked a datapad off the floor and flung it at the VI, but it fell short, and the virtual Shepard didn't even blink.  
  
"I'm a bootleg VI enhanced with engrams lifted from the Geth scan of the Commander and repurposed from an advertising campaign and porn simulator into a virtual assistant, Major. I'm the actual definition of a 'glitchy piece of shit'. As always, you could easily replace me with a wide variety of legitimate, Alliance-approved software. Shall I bring up your Amazon account?" The VI said, and Kaidan frowned. It almost sounded like the thing was mocking him. "Or maybe the news?"  
  
"No. Sleep."  
  
"As you wish, Major." The orange light winked out without further comment.  
  
Kaidan closed his eyes, and listened to the static as the thunder rumbled again.

 

 _ **THREE** _  
  
"You have three hundred forty two unread messages," the VI said as Kaidan breathed in the scent of brewing coffee. Or what passed for coffee these days. All the container it came in really said was “COFFEE” in large, brown letters, with the word “beverage” in much smaller ones and a notice that it was _free of all major human allergens, not for dextro use_ . Beyond that, he didn't feel brave enough to delve any further into its composition. "I've categorized them by sender and deleted the numerous offers from supposed volus merchant princes looking to send you money, investment opportunities on Omega, and krogan male enhancement mods. Unless, of course, you want quads that go all night." It made those air quotes again, and looked as pleased as a VI possibly could. "Aside from the one hundred and twelve from family and friends, the remaining are from various media outlets."  
  
The sky outside was thick and grey, and as much as his head hurt, Kaidan was grateful for the clouds.  
  
"Fucking delightful," he said as he pulled the filled mug free of the coffee maker. Like everything else in the apartment, it was Alliance emergency issue, produced in one of the volus-made 3D printing units from the war now pressed into service to help with the rebuilding effort. Coffee mugs and night stands instead of ammunition and hull plating. Everything that wasn't concrete or carpet was made of the same milky white polymers, except for the few scrubby plants clinging to life in the window and the half-charred, luridly pink ottoman he'd trash-picked out of the wreckage of a department store. "I'm not talking to the press."  
  
"Your mother and your friends are all concerned about your wellbeing. Specifically Lieutenant Cortez has sent several messages wishing to speak with you." The VI added as Kaidan focused on the slow swirl of definitely-not-real-milk into possibly-not-real-coffee. "You should at least consider a response beyond your auto-reply of 'Doing fine, don't come over.'  I think that's inadequate."  
  
"Are you reading my mail?" He set the mug down with a hard sound.  
  
"Of course I read your mail. I'm your virtual assistant," the VI said, and Kaidan thought it might almost be offended. "I make your medical appointments - even when you don't go to them. I order your groceries, send out your washing, and remind you of things you are supposed to do. For example, you're expected to join Admiral Hackett and the others at the briefing and post-peace summit press conference at Alliance Headquarters in the next two hours."  
  
Kaidan sat resentfully on the ottoman and took a slug of the coffee as he dug out one of the datapads. "I'm not going. I have work to do. Liara was able to send me some new data she'd gotten as the Shadow Broker and..."  
  
"You have not showered in a week." The VI tilted its head and Kaidan almost threw the mug at it. "Despite the fact that all you have done lately is sit in the same underpants, eating instant poutine and reading reports, your presence at the formal peace accords is not optional. You are one of the few surviving SPECTREs and one of the Heroes of the Normandy. This is not you, Major."  
  
"What the fuck do you know?" Kaidan sputtered. "Shepard is DEAD because of those things and all of a sudden, they're our friends? Billions murdered and you want me to stand up there and photo op with whatever abomination they have shambling up to the stage? Yay, I'm gonna air kiss a banshee! Whee!" He flailed the coffee mug around, splattering the worn N7 hoodie he'd salvaged from Shepard's things before he took a swig. "THEY DIDN'T EVEN FIND A BODY!" he shouted in the VI's face. "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?"

 

 _ **FOUR** _  
  
The car nudged through a mob of civilians gathering outside Headquarters, an undifferentiated mass of sentients waving homebrew holosigns as they shouted and shoved. Protesters, whackjobs, and Reaper cultists alike pushing like an angry tide at the barricades. No one looked happy.  
  
A fairly blasphemous image of Shepard caught his attention, and he scowled the message scrawled below it on how Shepard had died for the galaxy's sins. Kaidan looked away and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The Commander would have hated that. Hated this _canonization_ that seemed to be occurring.

 But deep down, a tiny, obstinate part of Kaidan Alenko agreed with them.

Deep down, he thought they might be right. If they had all listened- if *he* had listened- they might not have frittered away the six months the sacrifice of the Bahak System had bought them. They might not have let Shepard rot in a holding cell. He might have talked to him more before the chaos and madness descended on the Galaxy.

He might have held on to him on Horizon, just a little longer.

Kaidan looked back at the sign again as the skycar approached the gate, then jammed the heel of his hand into his eyes to grind away the memory.  
  
Inside, security was impossibly tight, and after four separate biometric scans and surrendering his amp to a sterile containment unit, Kaidan found himself standing in the most uncomfortable crowd he had ever been in.  
  
Whoever the Reapers were sending hadn’t arrived and Kaidan shuddered at the possibilities his imagination helpfully supplied. Hackett and the Council had been tight-lipped about the negotiations, even to the SPECTREs and newly-minted dignitaries such as General Garrus Vakarian of the First Allied Fleet - and Kaidan had pulled in every favor he knew to get what reports he could. On the firing of the Crucible. On the event that had triggered across the relay network. On the fact that Shepard was listed KIA without any remains. Even the Shadow Broker hadn't had any luck.  
  
There was only conjecture, speculation and none of it led nowhere, except a room full of people he didn't feel ready to see.  
  
Garrus had clearly drawn the short straw in attempting to make contact with Kaidan, and as he watched the turian approach, while the rest of the Normandy's surviving crew tried to look without *actually* looking, his ire softened.  
  
"I wasn't sure we were going to see you, Kaidan," Garrus said, laying one massive, clawed hand tentatively on the Major's shoulder. "Glad you're not lying dead in your apartment."

 The Alliance auditorium outside was filling up with reporters and backstage was even more crowded, filled with council members, representatives, and enough security to start another war. Javik alone looked ready to start one as Liara dragged him away. He knew the feeling, as he studied the scarred, stony plates of Garrus' face while the Turian waited patiently for some sort of answer.  
  
"I lost an argument with a VI," Kaidan said after an overly-long pause, scratching at his beard.

 Somehow, after several minutes of one-sided shouting, he'd found himself in the shower, soap in hand, while the VI helpfully pointed out his dress uniform had returned from the dry cleaners the previous Tuesday. A day Kaidan had zero recollection of beyond the taste of bourbon and instant poutine in the back of his throat. In a final act of defiance, however, he had ignored the suggestion of the razor and shaving foam on the counter. The ride had mostly been a blur, of the stiff uniform collar choking him and Vancouver's wounded skyline passing by at speed.  
  
"Wait. You still don't have that..." The Turian trailed off and made a vague, ineffectual gesture, mandibles twitching in either amusement or distress. Nearby, Tali pretended to be much more involved in a discussion with Wrex than either one of them actually was.  
  
"The Shepard VI, yeah." Kaidan muttered tightly, looking around. "Do _not_ say a thing, Vakarian."  
  
"It's not healthy." Garrus clicked his mandibles in clear distress now. "You should talk to Liara, maybe... Or Chakwas? Someone. Hell, we'll get drunk and you can talk to me, but I don't think it's going to do much good and..."  
  
Kaidan tuned him out, looking past the Turian at the rest of their friends. _None_ of them were healthy, he thought, irritation rising again that Garrus felt the need to single him out. Wrex and Grunt both paced ferociously, two armoured Krogan too broad for the space. Vega was sitting nearby, head in his hands, and Traynor wheezed an inhaler that they all knew was just a placebo, as if her small hands hadn't stopped shaking since they'd been rescued by their unlikely saviour.

 Near the back wall, behind where Joker was on the verge of a meltdown with EDI and Liara was back to arguing with Javik in that mostly-eye contact way that all married couples do, Steve absently fidgeted with his rank insignia. His dress uniform sat as uncomfortably on the pilot's shoulders as Kaidan felt they did on his own.  
  
Steve's gaze, blue bright against the warm, deep brown of his skin, caught his own for a moment and he nodded in silent understanding, the smallest smile at the corner of his mouth. At that, Kaidan was ready to excuse himself from Garrus, when the shiver rippled down his spine.

The biotics felt it first, nearly as one. Wrex’s bulk rumbled with a low warning sound and Liara and Javik both snapped their heads around in unison with Kaidan. Somewhere in the crowd, he thought he heard Jack spit an expletive and Samara hiss before the room fell utterly silent.  
  
Without any fanfare beyond the cold crawl of horror in seeping through Kaidan’s guts, the Reapers had arrived.

 

 _ **FIVE** _  
  
Whatever he had expected - a banshee, a brute, a husk decked out in Alliance blues to ape at the species it had once been- the two figures that entered silently, flanked by a mixed-species security detail and speaking with the new Council and an exceptionally stone-faced Admiral Hackett were decidedly not it.  
  
The first towered over all but the Krogan and Geth juggernaut in the room. It was vaguely humanoid, six graceful arms poised like an icon sculptor's nightmare as its featureless face seemed to survey the scene before it. The design of the chassis was vaguely reminiscent of the Geth, but the flickering, ghostly black of its  skin, faint sparks of blue skating across the edges, was unmistakably Reaper.  
  
At first, Kaidan thought it had a cloak, and the idea was so delightfully, ridiculously sinister, that he felt it riding an edge of rising hysteria in his chest. Then the mass twitched, and one segmented wing, a hundred fractional pieces held in an eezo field, reached back to curl around whatever was behind it.  
  
So, not a caricature of a villain then, but a monstrous angel, a devil. Kaidan wondered if it could smell the hate and fear brewing in the assembled crew.  
  
It paused, posture shifting ever so slightly, and Kaidan struggled to keep down the bile and panic rising in equal measures in his chest as it looked around. It was a mistake to come, he thought, as a hand rested heavy on his shoulder. The reassuring squeeze of it grounded him for the moment.  
  
Silently, the first Reaper representative stepped aside, wings folding with a softly insectile click as reassured of the relative safety of the room, and its companion moved forward to speak with Hackett. Kaidan involuntarily felt himself hiss a long intake of breath and the nausea was replaced by something else he couldn't entirely define.  
  
This one was smaller, much more human-scale in both size and proportion. It stood at what Kaidan could only think of as parade rest, its  stockier form blending the Geth-like grace of the other with heavier, solid plates. It was armoured. Hysterically, Kaidan wondered if it was  afraid, given the way the first one hovered protectively nearby, and he couldn't look away.  
  
Its face bore a single, burning blue lens and several smaller ones, flickering like distant stars in time with whatever it was saying to Hackett.  
  
But it was the colour of it that made Kaidan's skin itch. Not black, not silver, it was mirrored obsidian with dark oily rainbows shifting lazily far beneath the surface. It looked how Kaidan imagined the reflection of a distant nebula in a Reaper's hull might appear. And in the core of its  strange, almost-translucent torso, a beating, flickering light - a miniature star of pure eezo singing a song any biotic knew too well.  
  
It sang like a drive core. It sang like the Normandy's drive core.  
  
It looked at him for a moment, the single lens in the centre of its  face unblinking as the sun, and Kaidan felt his guts turn to ice water.  He stared into that light until he couldn't anymore, the murmuring conversation in the room fading to that single distant song. Finally, he looked away and sagged against the figure beside him.

"Garrus, what the fuck is that thing?" he wheezed.  
  
"I have no idea." Steve whispered behind him and Kaidan wheeled, staring at the pilot with panicked eyes. "Tali almost fainted and you've been spaced out for about five minutes." He added apologetically, "I didn't want to leave you alone."  
  
"Thanks." Kaidan turned back to where the Reapers had been, but there was only the retreating mass of the security detail, and the one dark shape towering above them. "Why do they look like that?"  
  
"Maybe it's to better communicate with us at our scale." Steve's hand still sat warmly on his shoulder, and Kaidan didn't realise how grateful he was for that minuscule touch. "Remember the Leviathans?"  
  
Despoina had almost ruined the ocean for him, Kaidan thought numbly. Shepard's blue, cold lips beneath his as he and Garrus struggled to do CPR, no time to even bring up an omni-tool diagnostic kit. He'd torn off Shepard's chest plate with his biotics, terrified at the slow trickle of blood from the Commander's nose and ears.  
  
He hadn't wanted to hear ocean ever again after that.  
  
"I hate those things. And not just because they made the Reapers," Kaidan whispered.  
  
"I'm just saying that something that big couldn't possibly speak like equals to things as comparatively small as us." Steve shrugged. "I mean, look at James."  
  
He said it so dryly, that Kaidan almost missed it, and then the humour struck and he giggled, louder than intended in the tense murmuring quiet.  He choked it back as Hackett caught his attention, and Kaidan took a step back from the Admiral's glare.  
  
"Sorry," Steve whispered and Kaidan shook his head.  
  
"Don't be. I think that's the first time I've laughed since London." He ducked his head, giving the pilot a sidelong glance. "Thanks, Cortez."  
  
"Anytime, Major." Steve nodded back. "Looks like they're going to start soon. We better go look decorative."

 _ **SIX** _  
  
The Council spoke, Hackett spoke, and all of it was stirring. Kaidan leaned forward in his seat, claustrophobically wedged between Wrex and Garrus. The old Krogan sniffled dramatically as Hackett spoke on Shepard’s heroism, and Garrus sat, ramrod straight, sharp eyes fixed on the Admiral. There was a slow clack of his mandibles, his crest as stiff as his back as he proudly wore their shared memories.

Listening to them talk about Shepard was strangely abstract, he found. Already the public relation wheels were turning and he thought about the protestors and cultists shouting far outside this room where platitudes about a dead man spun out over the droning murmur of the press. He knew somewhere in that mass of reporters, Diana Allers sat, and Kaidan wondered how she would report it.  
  
The VI had won the argument by a neatly logical standpoint - since Hackett and the others had been politely sending him reports Kaidan couldn't believe were accurate or complete, what better way to find out more than to show up, to watch and listen. He'd been trained in covert ops, the VI had noted.

 If there was one thing Kaidan knew, it was how to listen.  
  
(If only he'd listened.) He pushed the thought away, and focused on Hackett, on the sour smell of unhappy Krogan, of the subtle tremble of a taciturn Turian. He focused on the fact that he'd been outmaneuvered by a former porn VI. Focused on anything he could that wasn’t regret.  
  
Only the Shepard Hackett was describing in his speech was a cipher, not the flawed, brave man they both knew so well. And Kaidan found that as telling as anything else. That even the great Stephen Hackett wanted to slap a bow on it and call it a day.  
  
"We will open the floor to questions shortly," The Admiral concluded, “but we wanted to give a moment to the representatives of the Reaper... Of the Gardener contingent." He turned to the smaller of the two, who had stepped beside Hackett without a single sound. "My apologies."  
  
"There's no offense taken, Admiral Hackett," it said, and the voice gave Kaidan a shiver down his spine. It was perfectly clear yet utterly alien, with a hollow, shuddering resonance. It sounded like the kind of voice he would have heard in a hallucination.  
  
It made his brain itch, the same way the bright lights of the auditorium seemed to vanish into the gleaming, distant colours of its chassis. "...We fully understand the fact that we may always be the Reapers to all of you," it added, stepping to the podium. "And we appreciate the opportunity to finally be able to speak."  
  
The single blue lens flickered faintly as the Reaper nodded towards its  larger companion. "Many of you are familiar with Harbinger," it said and Kaidan made a sound loud enough to give the Reaper a pause of silence. The massive Reaper turned to "look" at Kaidan and its  fractal wings rippled for the briefest of moments.  
  
The smaller one at the podium looked back at Harbinger, but not Kaidan, before scanning its strange gaze across the crowd. "Harbinger was first of our kind, built from the remains of the species you know as the Leviathan. I/We are Guide, and I/We.. *I* speak to you as the youngest, in bodies designed to meet at a more comfortable scale for everyone. Also, for ease of transportation. We had to leave Harbinger's body in orbit overhead the city, as many of you have noticed. Our apologies. Vancouver isn't the easiest city to find parking in." The Reaper tilted its head and Kaidan froze, watching the apologetic dip of its shoulders as across the stage, Hackett pinched the bridge of his nose.  
  
A ripple of nervous giggling erupted, sweeping across the room, and beside him Garrus snorted. Kaidan sat back as best he could between his two enormous seat mates, Wrex’s sniffles caught in a choke of laughter, and tried to process what he had just seen and heard.  
  
He remembered Sovereign. He remembered Harbinger. He remembered that nameless Reaper that Shepard had put down on Rannoch. He did not ever remember a sense of humour.  
  
The Reaper spoke of how the life forms transformed during the war would be returned to their respective species if they requested. The questions of their status of life under current galactic laws was a knot that Guide ruefully admitted would take a lifetime or two to untangle. Behind him, Kaidan heard Javik sigh softly, grim as Guide spoke of the Collectors, and their attempt to re-integrate into galactic society.  
  
The impact of the War would be felt for generations, and Guide's fingers twitched as it spoke.  
  
"Above all else, though, please understand this," it said then, fingers splaying on the podium, a strangely organic act. "The Reapers... The Gardeners forced to harvest this galaxy for aeons, were given no autonomy in this matter by the Catalyst. It drove that urge, nurtured it, coded it into their beings as what you might consider a biological imperative  in order to achieve its  own, twisted ends, given to it by foolish masters without the forethought of what they were unleashing on the Galaxy." Guide's voice rose in what Kaidan thought might be actual anger. "That is not an excuse, but simply an explanation in the most basic of terms. Shepard's sacrifice changed that. The Catalyst is gone. And we are free. And with that freedom, we understand that we cannot safely live amongst you, or the species yet to be."  
  
The Reaper paused - and Kaidan firmly focused on how it had to be for effect. The thought that the creature at the podium was hesitant and conflicted was more than he could handle. "What you call indoctrination is an uncontrollable side effect of our construction.  And a billion years of habit is going to take time to unlearn, despite the best of intentions. As such, it is not safe for you that we remain. We will continue with repairs to the relay system, until such time that your collective species can finish them. We will offer ourselves up for archaeological questions until then.  Each of us is a gestalt of the species harvested for their creation. We have all of their knowledge, their..." Guide paused again. "We will share with you what we are able. And then we will leave, because if we remain, there are wounds that will never heal."  
  
Guide’s fingers clutched for a moment on the podium. "We all need to heal." It added, "I will answer what questions now, that I am able."  
  
"What did you do with Shepard's body?" Kaidan stood up, blurting out the words, and the room fell deathly silent.

 

 _ **SEVEN**_  
  
Hackett was out of his seat in a heartbeat, and Harbinger took a step forward, but Guide turned, blue lens burning bright. "Major Kaidan Alenko. Second Human SPECTRE, current commander of Biotic Special Operations and de-facto leader of the crew of the Normandy," the Reaper recited.  
  
"What did you do with him??" Kaidan repeated, hands balling up at his sides as the security detail cautiously approached.  
  
Kaidan's guts turned to ice water, and he felt Wrex and Garrus, *all* of the crew tense around him. If there was going to be a fight, he knew where he'd put his money.  
  
The Reaper started to tilt its head and stopped mid-motion. "Commander Shepard's sacrifice destroyed the AI known as the Catalyst. It obliterated all that he was in the process. That act reduced him to little more than stardust."  
  
"That's it, then. There's nothing left of him?" Kaidan's voice cracked, and he bit down on the inside of his cheek, focusing on the pain.  
  
"I understand that many humans believe as long as you remember someone, they are never truly gone, Major Kaidan Alenko. The Gardeners are as close to eternal as anything can possibly be in this universe, and... and that act...  the commander himself will never be forgotten by us. None of you will, no matter where we go. We will always remember you.  And... _I_ am truly sorry for your personal loss, Major." It clasped its hands behind its back.  
  
"How can you be sorry for anything?" Kaidan asked softly as Garrus helped him sit back down, the lights of a thousand journalists camera drones capturing the scene. "How can you be even capable of understanding what you did?" he said in an even smaller voice, and Kaidan wasn't even sure who he was addressing.  
  
Guide's lens flickered again as it turned away. The Council and Hackett joined it to answer questions as the crowd of reporters erupted into shouts. Kaidan could feel the Admiral's glare on him as he focused solely on the Reaper. Its tiny pauses. The way it...  
  
The way it tilted that alien head.  
  
There was a warm hand on his back, he knew it was Steve from the weight and shape of it. Beside him, Wrex gave a low, nasty chortle.  
  
"Thought you were gonna punch that thing right in the eyeball, Alenko," Wrex rumbled. "I'm gonna tell the kids all about it when I get back. Uncle Kaidan almost startin' the war up all over again."  
  
Somewhere far away, Kaidan thought he heard Garrus cautioning Wrex to take it down a notch, but it was hard to hear. There was a hum, and he was listening to white noise again, aching to catch a flicker of Shepard's voice in the static. Guide was watching him back and he heard himself shout out one single word in the the fast-encroaching darkness around that brilliant blue eye.  
  
"SHEPARD."

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

**PART TWO**

 

 

_**ONE** _  
  
Shepard's name was still on lips as he came to in the dim interior of an skycar, upper Vancouver sliding past his window.  
  
Steve glanced over at him from the driver's seat. "EDI helped me get you to the car. Garrus and Liara are dealing with Hackett," he said, calm as ever. In a ship full of Personalities, Cortez had always radiated a calm that even Kaidan found himself envious of.  
  
"Fighter pilots," he said dumbly, then shook his head. "What happened?"  
  
"You passed out." Steve chuckled, trying to find a station to listen to, but there was only static popping on the radio. "Doc Chakwas said to take you home, she's having a med drone drop some things you may need. Thought you wouldn't appreciate a trip to the hospital with all the... Ah. Publicity."  
  
"Yeah, thanks," Kaidan rasped and rubbed his face. "There's something about that Reaper... The one that called itself Guide. It reminded me of Shepard for a moment. I know that's crazy, but what if he's still alive somehow and..." He paused to breathe, watching Steve's expression darken.  
  
Understanding hit him in the face like a brick. "Oh. God, I am so stupid. You loved him too, didn't you?"  
  
Steve guided the car into the flow of cars, dark blue eyes looking at something a million miles away from the city's afternoon traffic. "Yeah. Yeah, I did"  he said, glancing over after a long exhalation.  
  
"Steve, I..." Kaidan started then fell silent under the weight of Cortez’s gaze.  
  
"I loved him, but I knew that look on his face when he talked about you. Because that's the look I know I had when I talked about Robert." The pilot smiled softly, and Kaidan could see the effort it took. "He saved my life, Kaidan. He gave me something to hold on to when I felt like there was nothing. And..." Steve drummed his fingers on the wheel then sat back. "And yeah, maybe there were a couple of times I thought about venting you out a shuttle airlock, but I just want you to know, you're not alone. When Robert was killed, I couldn't see any way out. I was just determined to go down swinging, but it doesn't have to be like that. I... just want you to know that I'm here. That I understand."  
  
Kaidan felt a knot tighten in his chest. He wanted to retort that no, Steve didn't understand, couldn't possibly understand. Then it tightened even further with a twinge. (Listen to yourself. LISTEN TO HIM.)  
  
They were at the garage of Kaidan's building before he could finish the self-recriminations. They sat in silence for several moments, and then he reached out and gave the pilot's hand a squeeze. "Thank you."  
  
"You know where to find me." Steve squeezed back. "Now go get some rest, okay, Major?"  
  
"Aye, aye Lieutenant," Kaidan said, and he forced a smile.

**_TWO_**  
  
"You have eight hundred and seventy two unchecked messages," the VI said accusingly. It had waited until Kaidan had taken the meds sent over by Chakwas and showered. "I've categorized them for you. Would you care to know how many are from news outlets?"  
  
"Not even remotely." Kaidan sat back with a cup of the purported coffee and scrubbed his hand over his face. "Can you send mom an e-mail and tell her I'll call tomorrow?"  
  
"Of course. Additionally, there is an official message from Admiral Hackett's office placing you on administrative leave until further notice and a second one from the Council. Your further requests for information are being placed on hold and it sounds like you'll need to clear a psychiatric evaluation before you're allowed back in the field as either a SPECTRE or an officer of the Alliance." The VI tilted its head and Kaidan wanted to scream.  
  
He set the coffee down, instead.  
  
"It's your fault. If I hadn't gone...." Kaidan paused, thinking about the beings he'd seen. "No, you know what? I'm glad I went." He pulled out a stylus and began sketching. "They clearly borrowed Geth designs for these interface platforms," Kaidan muttered, the pen moving furiously. "But not entirely. Like, they each had their own aesthetic. Shepard once told me that his friend Mordin would say that's a prerequisite for sentience. For being actually alive."  
  
The lobby door buzzer rang and Kaidan made an exasperated noise. "If it's a reporter, tell them I'm not here."  
  
"It's Major Coats, from the Alliance." The VI actually sounded surprised, and Kaidan looked up. "I will tell him you're not available."  
  
"Coats?" Kaidan stepped past the VI and pushed the comm. "I thought you were in London still..." The words trailed off as he looked at the man on the other end. The Major was haggard, his eyes sunken and overbright as he glared into the lens. He looked like he hadn't slept in days.  
  
"Been in Vancouver a week now, trying to find you. Figured you'd have to at least turn up at that dog and pony show Hackett put on," the man rasped, leaning closer to the camera. "I was outside the Conference Center when Cortez and that robot girl of yours put you in the car, saw your little strop on all the news feeds." The major smiled, and it was unsettlingly broad.  
  
"What do you want, Coats?" Kaidan asked, suddenly wary.  
  
"You really want to have this conversation over unsecured comms, Major?" He bit off that last word as if it tasted bad. "Or do you fancy going out and getting pissed?"  
  
"I'm going to call building security," the VI started, but Kaidan raised a hand to cut it off.  
  
"I'm not sure what you're getting at, Major?" Kaidan asked, watching as Coats' smile broadened warmly.  
  
"I thought, *Major*, after the day you’ve  had, you might fancy a pint somewhere." The marine barked a short laugh. "Or are you too good to have one with a fellow marine after rubbing elbows with the elite?"  
  
Kaidan winced at the hint, then laughed. "You have no idea, Coats," he said. "You know what, I am most certainly not too good to buy you a drink."

 

**_THREE_**  
  
"No. No, this is a terrible idea," the VI said after the comm had closed. It had snapped back on automatically and the interface flickered and popped. "I’m contacting General Vakarian. Or Doctor T'soni. Or your Mother. Or Lieutenant Cortez."  
  
"You are not going to contact Garrus or Liara or my mother or ESPECIALLY not Cortez. I *know* Coats, he's a good man who went through hell in London. If he's here, the least I owe him is a beer." Kaidan pulled on Shepard's old hoodie. "He was there at the end. I wasn't."  
  
"It's not your fault that you weren't there, Major," the VI said sharply. "Shepard got you to safety because he loved you."  
  
Kaidan dropped the backpack, fingers numb as he stared at the VI. "I'm going to replace you with an Avina when I get back. Find a nice replacement on Amazon for me, would you?" Kaidan snapped at the glowing orange Shepard-cypher as he retrieved his bag. "Besides, you've been harassing me to get out of the house, right? Well, here I go! To have a drink with a fellow officer!"  
  
"This is a terrible idea," the VI repeated and Kaidan shifted uncomfortably under the program's distress, as weirdly simulated as it was. "Please don't do this."  
  
"For god's sake, DO NOT CALL CORTEZ." He snapped to cover his discomfort, jabbing a finger towards the VI, then turned on his heel. "I mean it."  
  
"Understood, Major," the VI said blandly as Kaidan closed the door behind him. "I won’t call Lieutenant Cortez."  
  
Kaidan rubbed his forehead as he jogged down the stairs, the corridor no less pallid than his apartment had been. In the lobby, Coats was a refreshingly gloomy smudge. "Coats."  
  
The former marine didn't look like he'd seen a razor in weeks, and he cast an irritable glance around the milky-pale prefab lobby. "Nice place," he said, tapping out a cigarette. He'd produced the crumpled carton from some pocket in his voluminous coat, then disappeared it just as quick. "Very... White," he added snidely.  
  
Kaidan snorted as they strode into the muggy evening air. "You really looked me up just to mooch a drink, Coats?"  
  
The other marine laughed. "Fuck no." He fumbled into his pockets, looking for something as they made their way to a battered old skycar. "I reckon you've been tryin' to piece together what happened at the end? After Harbinger swatted you down like a bug? Got your Shadow Broker friend pulling you hidden reports?"  
  
"They don't say anything. Anderson died just prior to the Crucible firing. Shepard died during operation of the weapon. Thousands more civilians trapped on the Citadel lost their lives when it fired. All the relays then caused a cascade of energy across the galaxy and simultaneously every Reaper attack on every front immediately ceased." Kaidan shrugged a little deeper into the hoodie against the damp chill. "All live relays overloaded and shut down leaving troops stranded here in the Sol system and scattered all across the galaxy while we wait for our new giant friends to fix them and rebuild the Citadel. It's the same official line everywhere I look."  
  
"And yet, you don't believe them." Coats patted himself down for a lighter then looked at Kaidan expectantly, cigarette waggling from the corner of his mouth.  
  
"I don't smoke," he said tersely. "No one had no idea how the Crucible would function, except what Liara found on Mars and what Javik learned from his cycle... It was supposed to destroy them, and it didn't. It just... Made them our friends. And there's nothing anywhere questioning how bizarre that is."  
  
"They just want some pretty paper on it, all packaged up nice and neat for Christmas." Coats slid into the car. "Come on, then. You, me and a drink awaits, Alenko."

 

_**FOUR** _  
  
They did a crawl through every bar from the backside of Old Gastown to Hastings Park, until they were well out of the city proper and sitting, cold and wet with a six-pack, on a beach in Tofino, listening to the waves crash.  
  
Kaidan didn't hate the ocean anymore, but it didn't bring him any peace. His biotics burned off alcohol at a fairly consistent rate, but he felt drunk, flopping back into the sand to stare up at the few stars that dared peek through the clouds.  
  
"Why won't they tell us anything, Coats?" he asked, imagining he could feel the planet's spin beneath him. "It's like the only way he exists now is a figment of everyone's imagination."  
  
"And every time you bring it up, they all just pat you on the bloody shoulder and send you home to grieve your lost love." Coats smiled too broadly again and there was not a single hint of warmth in it.  
  
Kaidan tensed and Coats snorted, shoving a cigarette between his lips. "Oh, settle down, Alenko. You got a face like a wet weekend. The whole fucking Corps knew about you two. You shagging the great Commander Shepard was the worst kept secret in the whole military. Calling down the goddamn Normandy outta the fight to evac your ass, though. Bit of an abuse of power that, if you ask me."  
  
"I didn't ask for that." Kaidan suddenly felt ill, the urge for drink now gone. "I never asked for that."  
  
"I know you didn't. You wanted to be with him. Right. Clearly, then. You need to come to London and see," he added, grinning wolfishly around his smoke.  
  
"See what?" Kaidan felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, and he pushed himself up on his elbows.  
  
For a moment, there was only the sound of the tide. Coats scowled, then sighed.  
  
"I can trust you, right? So, I was there when that light took him. Carried him up to the Citadel. My team, we tried to follow, but couldn't get through the line of marauders. We got caught in the feedback when it finally fired, though. We heard him. We all heard him. I bet you heard him too, when the Light came. I had an Asari on my team, and her fucking eyeballs bled right the fuck out there when we heard it." Coats leaned in, studying Kaidan's face. This close, Kaidan could smell the sour funk of his breath.

 If Coats noticed the wince of disgust, he didn't acknowledge it. "I’ve physical evidence that Hackett doesn't want t’see. Put me on administrative leave for bringing it up, when I tried to make him to see.  You'd understand if you saw the proof for yourself, I know you would." The marine pushed himself up and began to pace. "There's no way to describe it adequately and I know it sounds crazy, mate, but.." He paused and looked down at Kaidan. "I swear to you, I know what happened to the Commander and I don't know how to explain it. But maybe you will."  
  
"Show me. Maybe I can." Kaidan blurted out. He was sitting fully upright now, clutching his bottle. "They've been telling me I need to get out more anyways." His voice broke, just a fraction, at the end of the sentence and he caught a strange surge leaping in his chest. “Coats… you don’t. Is this. This is you being straight with me?” He pressed his lips hard together. “Just to be clear, you don’t think I’m crazy.”

It wasn’t a question, and the other marine laughed. Kaidan felt a shiver down his spine, a leap of hopeful electricity.  
  
"No crazier than I am, Alenko. Right, then." Coats smiled as he dusted himself off."You ready for a road trip, Major?"  
  
"As I'll ever be."

 

**_FIVE_**  
  
He had been too absorbed earlier to notice that Coats was a profoundly terrible driver.

Knuckles white on the armrests, Kaidan found himself reminiscing about several close calls in the Mako until the car finally arced suborbital, sleet knifing against the windows as they rose through the heavy clouds, and the autopilot kicked on.  
  
The skycar breached the top of the clouds and for a moment, Kaidan felt like he was home. Atmosphere shaded blue to starry black, and before them, the golden promise of sunrise somewhere far to the east, the quick-flashing dots of transports and low-orbit shuttles zipping along beneath a veritable minefield of space junk and post-war orbital debris.  
  
They hung there, and his heart stopped, the last of the booze kicking off abruptly as he saw what else they were sharing airspace with. Above the heavy cloud cover, the black hulls of the Reapers could be clearly seen, limned in distant sunlight. "Ugly and beautiful all at once, aren't they?" Coats mused, leaning against the wheel.  
  
Kaidan waited, heart pounding, for the terrifying claxon that never came. That red beam of burning light reaching out to sear them into nothingness. Harbinger just hung there in geosynchronous orbit and Coats kept yammering away, oblivious to Kaidan's fear.  
  
"Just a couple of hours. The Big Smoke's still a bit smokier than we all like her to be, but she's on the mend. Can't fucking keep London down, you can't," the Major chattered nervously, tapping out another cigarette even as the car's VI warned against the dangers of smoking. He reached over and prodded the console, never pausing in his rambling. "Hey, I know biotics are always hungry, by the way. Got what passes for an in-flight meal these days in the glove box. And it's an actual human-approved flavour, not that weird-ass Asari fish and banana smelling garbage, I will have you know. I ate a bunch of those things in London at the FOB when other rations got scarce and fuck me, they were awful."  
  
"Alright, out with it. Can you explain it at all? What we're going to see?" Kaidan sat back, breaking off a piece of the meal bar and giving it an experimental sniff. It smelled like oranges and chocolate. After months aboard the Normandy with those exact Asari ration bars, and the last several weeks since their return to Earth subsisting on bland food paste rations and the almost-coffee, the smell alone was a surprise. He shoved a chunk in his mouth and savoured the taste.  
  
"Nah, mate. You have to see it to believe it. Or you scared? Gotta get yourself revved up a tad, that it?" Coats fidgeted.  
  
Kaidan watched the man's profile in the light of the instruments as the unmoving bulk of the Reaper retreated in the rear view mirror. The Major Coats he'd known during the war had been nigh-unflappable. The man who'd perched in Big Ben for three days waiting for help and shooting anything that moved. It was more than the liquor yammering away. Something had cracked him in a manner Kaidan didn't fully understand.  
  
But he could empathise.  
  
He remembered that one single moment, during the Light, when his bones had screamed in biotic resonance and that storm-clean scent had filled every one of his senses. That moment had broken everyone who'd experienced it in one way or another. "I'm not afraid. Not of you, and not of whatever you want to show me. I can tear people apart with my brain, remember," Kaidan finally said, half-joking around a mouthful of food.  
  
"I know, and I think that's bloody fucking beautiful. To be in contact with the universe like that? I did a bunch of red sand right after everything, thought it might help with the... stress," He waved his hand, still fiddling with the unlit cigarette. "Didn't do enough, though. Nothing was enough ‘til this. And I knew, I knew I had to find you and share it with you. If anyone could understand it, it'd be Shepard's lover."  
  
There was an intensity in that statement that made Kaidan squirm.  
  
Beside him, the other marine only grunted, eyes still fixed ahead, as he fidgeted with his cigarette.

 

_**SIX** _  
  
They put down at a community car park as it began to rain again. Kaidan had been dozing, and his dreams had been quiet for once, still and silent. "We can't drive right there. Whole place is still cordoned off. Serious no-fly zone. Did you know they want to put a monument there? Where the beam was?" Coats babbled as Kaidan blinked owlishly. "It was a fucking Tesco's before the Reapers came and flattened it. Shepard ascended right where you could buy the ready meals. A fucking monument," He scoffed.  
  
In the thin, grey light, Kaidan tried to focus on the new buildings, but the smell of ash, of burning flesh and fuel filled his nose. Somewhere, in the echo of distant construction equipment he thought he heard a banshee's scream. "A monument seems like a nice idea," he said, mouth gummy with the residue of stale beer and protein bar.  
  
He struggled to keep up with Coats as they quickly passed out of London's rebuilding zone, into areas still hollowed and broken, jagged steel and concrete reaching up towards the iron sky.  
  
"It's fucking inadequate, is what it is," Coats spat as he scurried far more nimbly than the hungover Sentinel scrabbling behind him, through a blown-out parking structure and over a series of hasty barriers. "No, it needs to be something more. It *is* something more."  
  
"More? Like what?" Kaidan wheezed as they finally made their way to another shell of a building. Down the street, he could see the place where Harbinger's attack had burnt through his armour and Kaidan flinched. Somewhere Shepard was screaming his name and Kaidan felt dizzy. This was more than a hangover, he mused sourly. "Coats. Hold up, I don't feel so good," he said as he squeezed his eyes shut tight against the memories. He hated that the VI had probably been right. "This was a terrible idea."  
  
"Trust me, you'll feel better in just a second," The Major guided him inside, and Kaidan swore he felt his bones humming. "See, look, safe as houses here."  
  
Heart still pounding, Kaidan opened his eyes, shaking his head to clear the buzzing in his ears, and then he froze.

 Everywhere was the soft glow of candles and half-dead emergency lights. It stank, too. Charred and dank at the same time, with the thick funk of decay gagging him, oily in the back of his throat.  
  
In the center of the room was curved chunk of black debris, the flickering lights playing in lazy, oily patterns across the surface of it. He'd seen them all over the Citadel after the first attack.  
  
It was a piece of a Reaper.  
  
The humming grew louder as what Kaidan first took as indistinct lumps on the floor showed themselves to be people, slowly rising and swaying in time with some music only they could hear.  
  
They were all shrouded in black, stripes of red and white streaked on their faces and their arms. "Coats. What the hell _is_ this? Do you _know_ what this is?" Kaidan looked wildly around, panic and anger skirling inside of him in equal measure as he took in the decorations that covered the remaining walls and ceiling.

"It's how you finally get to go home, Major Alenko. Beloved of the Shepard," Coats said with a radiantly horrible smile. "It's where you get to make it all right again."

 

**_SEVEN_**  
  
Everywhere Kaidan looked was one dizzying abomination after another. Crudely imaginative icons of Shepard were scrawled on every vertical surface, a paragon's blue wings embracing Reapers and humanity alike. Red eyes casting a harsh gaze on what could have only been the Council in their Citadel, cartoonishly cowering in the corner. He was naked, scarred, beatifically tumescent at every turn.  
  
The humming reverberated against the warehouse's high roofs, and Kaidan recognized notes in the foul orchestra of scent. The cheap cigarettes Shepard would sneak on occasion. The sour odor of biotic supplement paste. Offerings to a lonely God smeared across the top of the Reaper fragment. He turned again, to see rows of dead husks lined up like clay soldiers around room. They were mounted on rebar to keep them upright, rusted metal jutting through their eternally screaming maws. Kaidan covered his mouth with his hands, eyes watering as the crowd swayed and chanted.  
  
"Shepard ascended, transcended, rose above us in the light. We were all there when it happened, Alenko, when the Normandy whisked you away and we were left to burn with London. Soldiers, civilians, all of us. Couldn't get back to the FOB, couldn't move forward. I watched the column that took him up to the Citadel. And then the sky broke open, and I knew it, what Hackett didn't want to tell us.  That the Crucible truly was just that. Something to burn away the dross and leave us shining and new!" Coats' voice rose above the humming - and Kaidan couldn't tell if it was coming from the piece of the Reaper or the filthy congregation or both.  
  
"That's enough!" Kaidan roared, as much to drown out the sound as anything. "He! Wouldn't! Want! This!" With each word, he took a step closer to the ranting marine, fists balling hard enough to bleed. But the indigo rage of an angry biotic only stuttered across his skin in fitful sparks. "Coats, what did you do to me?" he asked then in a low, small voice, looking at the crescents dug bloody into his palms. "What did you do??"  
  
"Omega-Enkaphalin." The former marine shrugged as the tide of worshippers descended on Kaidan in a fetid wave. Kaidan swung, breaking the nose of one as he kicked out a knee on another. But every time one staggered back or fell away, another took their place and over the noise, Kaidan could hear Coats, clear and calmer than he'd been in hours.  
  
"Sorry, mate. Slipped you a bit of a mickey with that meal bar. Couldn't have you ruining the only sacrifice God will listen to." The marine shouted over the din of the fight. "Just leave his face, right, would you, lambs? We don't want Shepard wondering who we're sending him."  
  
It was the last thing Kaidan heard as the world went a painful, stinking black.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

**PART THREE**

 

**_ONE_**  
  
Kaidan came to with a lump on his head and his back pressed up against the Reaper debris. He swore it was warm. Almost alive. It made every inch of his skin want to crawl away.  
  
And he thought he was going to vomit. "Coats," he croaked out, squinting at the swaying mass of humanity. "Where did you find all these people?"  
  
"They've been finding this place, just like I did, Alenko." Coats shrugged. "He's calling us. Reminding us he died to stem the tide of darkness. To bring it to the light. The Reapers are his now, and we just have to let him know that we understand, that we love him. That we know he loves us." Coats peeled off his layers, the same red and white streak emblazoned down his own arm. "Red blood and white for purity. Black for all our foolish sins. Fuck knows, I have more than a few. I reckon, if he can forgive the Reapers, he can forgive us too."  
  
"You are not making any sense to me," Kaidan said as calmly as he could. He could feel his powers, but they were distant, muzzy, still shrouded in the fog of the Omega-E. He had to stall him until the dose wore off. "But you can explain it, okay, Coats? We fought together. You know I'll understand." The debris behind him was purring in the back of his brain and Kaidan forced himself to focus on Coats. "Come on, man."  
  
"I need to let him know he can't forget about us. That he needs to forgive us too. But we've tried, and there's no prayers or comms or anything that'll let us talk to the beyond. So, I realised, mate, that he'd listen to you. He saved you when he would save no one else," He tapped the omni-tool on his wrist, hard light and plasma blade springing to golden life. "You miss him too, that was so clear on your face when you screamed at that Reaper drone in the monkey suit. You left him when he needed you the most and now you can intercede for us, the bloody fucking bride of God you are, Major Alenko."  
  
Coats leaned forward. "Don't be scared. Quick as a bunny I'll be. You won't feel a thing, but a quick prick and then off you go to heaven. But you have to remember, you have to remember to tell him to forgive us, all of us, for making him have to go alone."  
  
Kaidan tested the bonds, trying not to swallow, feeling the heat of the knife so close his skin. Behind him, the Reaper remains hummed mournfully. It would have been so easy to close his eyes and listen. "Coats, do _not_ do this. Shepard is dead. He's not a god. He wouldn't want this. He's not..."  
  
The familiar roar of a shuttle's engines overhead cut him off, and before Kaidan could say anything else, the remaining ceiling collapsed with a deafening boom.  
  
In the choking cloud of cement dust, Kaidan saw a burning point of blue.

 

**_TWO_**  
  
He didn't expect EDI to come striding out of the debris first, picking her way delicately through the rubble as the congregants scattered. "Major Coats," she said crisply. "I am EDI of the Normandy, and I'm here to retrieve Major Alenko, if you don't mind."  
  
Kaidan almost burst into hysterical laughter. The VI. Of all the people he hadn't specifically told it NOT to call, it had chosen her.  
  
(She's immune to indoctrination.) He understood with a sudden start as she clasped her hands behind her back, her pretty silvered face set in a prim smile.  
  
Quite pleasantly, EDI repeated her request, adding "Or I will have to kill you, I'm afraid." In the nicest way Kaidan had ever heard those words uttered.  
  
"Little Robot Girl." Coats shook his head, picking a piece of debris from Kaidan's thick hair as he stood. "We have to do this. It's for everyone's good," he said, words trailing off as she was joined by two more.  
  
Seeing EDI, he had half-expected Geth. But the smoke and dust stirred with the unfurling of two massive fractal black wings, Harbinger's arms moving with the soft rasp of biosynthetic skin as it set Guide down.  
  
"You've lost yourself in the old song, Major Coats," Guide said, stepping around EDI. "Please don't make us hurt you and these others."  
  
"HE HAS TO HEAR US, REAPER!" Coats shouted, eyes red-rimmed and full of hurt. "I.. We heard him. We all heard him. Alenko heard him! HOW COULD YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT WE WENT THROUGH, WHAT YOU PUT US THROUGH? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MOVE ON IF GOD DOESN'T LISTEN TO US?"  
  
While Coats screamed at the Reaper, Kaidan's arms fell free, and he looked up into Cortez's deep blue eyes. "Steve?" He hissed as the pilot pulled him up.  
  
"Come on, while EDI and our new friends try and talk him down," Cortez said quickly. "It's not healthy for us to stay so close to this thing."  
  
"He's not wrong, though, Steve. Not in that, at least," Kaidan hesitated. "How *can* we move on? I feel like something broke inside of me when he died. It’s broken  and it's been healing wrong. How can I move on without him?"  
  
"The same way we always do, one step at a time." Cortez tugged his hand, watching the tattered crowd move closer.

 

**_THREE_**  
  
While Cortez was trying to pull Kaidan to safety, Guide took a step forward, then another, single blue lens burning bright in the gloom. Overhead, rain pattered through the gaps in the ruined ceiling, and slid in slow, oily drops on the Reaper’s chassis. Very carefully, it placed an armoured hand on each of the marine's shoulders, but it seemed to look past him and Kaidan froze as his eyes met that unyielding blue.  
  
"Burn me away," Coats whispered. "Please, just make all of it stop. I'm so tired."  
  
"Major," it said in that clear, hollow voice. "He wouldn't want this. Everything he was went into breaking the Catalyst's control," It was still looking at Kaidan over Coats' shoulder. "He was willing to sacrifice everything for a promise, a promise that it *would* stop. I exist because of that promise. Shepard is gone, but that promise binds all of us in his memory."  
  
Kaidan's mouth was dry, and the back of his brain lurched as the Omega-E began to wear off. Steve's hand was very warm on his arm and overhead, somewhere, was the distant whine of a siren over the rumble of the storm.  
  
Harbinger's wings twitched in what could almost  have been irritation, stirring the dust as a few of the crowd gathered reverently to touch it.  
  
Coats' gaze dropped, the omni-blade still burning on his arm. "I don't want your promises," he said calmly, and the blade flashed bright as the sun as it found its  mark in Guide's chest. "If Alenko won't do, maybe you will, instead."

 

**_FOUR_**  
  
Harbinger was across the room in the space of a thunderclap as Steve grabbed Kaidan, dragging him to the ground. "NO!" it boomed, clawed hands tearing at Coats as it slammed him into the makeshift altar.  
  
Kaidan wrested himself free from Steve as EDI moved to stand between them and the congregation, their mood moved from reverent to threatening. "Guide?" Kaidan scrabbled over to where the smaller Reaper had fallen to its knees in what could only be surprise.  
  
"He didn't leave you behind, Kaidan," it said, one hand pressed over the slice where pulsing, blue eezo leaked. "He couldn't bear the thought of the universe without you in it."  
  
Kaidan blinked, then scrambled to his feet, wheeling around at Coats' scream. "HARBINGER NO!" The arm where Coats wore his omnitool hung limp, shattered at his side and he dangled from the Reaper's grasp.  
  
Its claws were pressed into Coats' chest, ready to tear his heart out, and the great black head swivelled to look at Kaidan with its eyeless mask. "You. Dare." Its  voice was so deep, Kaidan felt it more than he actually heard it. A vibration in his bones.  
  
"If you want peace, this isn't it." Kaidan's powers flickered and sparked against his skin, indigo and cyan, shuddering and popping in the dusty air. "This isn't what Shepard died for. This isn't what he freed you for."  
  
Harbinger's head turned further, a positively unnatural rotation, watching as EDI helped Guide to its  feet. Never once did it relax its hold on Coats. "My Guide?" it rumbled. "This meat... It.."  
  
"Harbinger," Guide said sharply, and the bigger Reaper let Coats fall to the ground in a heap. "Major Alenko is right. And I'm fine. It's minor damage." It nodded at Kaidan, adding, "Let the Alliance deal with their people. They're already coming. You can take that piece of Watcher's hull and return it to them. Remind them to keep better track of their body parts."  
  
Kaidan swore he saw Harbinger's wings twitch again, and it turned after some unspoken conversation between the two. "I'm sorry you got hurt."  
  
"It's nothing," Guide said as Harbinger picked up the massive chunk of debris behind them.  
  
"Your VI contacted me in a panic," EDI said as she knelt beside Coats. The former marine stared past her at nothing. "Once I knew what was happening, I contacted Lieutenant Cortez and our... New friends. I thought they would like to retrieve their property. "  
  
"Hackett's going to hate this," Cortez mused as the sirens drew closer.  "But I think he can wait. ‘Til tomorrow at least." He pulled off his own jacket and threw it over Kaidan's now-sodden hoodie. "Do you want to go home?" He asked gently, hands still resting on Kaidan’s shoulders.

"Yes. But. I… I don't think I want to be alone right now," Kaidan muttered, rubbing his eyes. "I'm not exactly making the best decisions right now."  
  
"I might have some free time. Or do you want me to call Garrus or..?" Cortez said quickly.  
  
"I would very much love to have your company, Lieutenant," Kaidan cut him off with a grateful little smile. "...thanks." He turned to EDI. "Do you want to...?"  
  
"Thank you, but I will manage with the MPs what to do with Major Coats and his companions." EDI said pleasantly. "Perhaps I will visit later with Jeff. He needs to get out more."  
  
Kaidan turned to where Guide had stood a moment before, but it, and Harbinger, were both gone.  
  
The sense of loss as Cortez guided him to the shuttle was frustrating.

 

_**FIVE** _  
  
"So. I need to warn you about something if Garrus hasn’t told you already," Kaidan said as they stood in front of the bland white door to the bland white apartment.  
  
"Is this about the Shepard VI?" The pilot hazarded, nodding with a little chuckle as Kaidan's face turned red. "I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about it. We all find ways to hang on to the people we love." He plucked the sleeve of Shepard's hoodie for emphasis and Kaidan groaned.  
  
"Twenty-four hours ago, I would've been offended about needing a babysitter," he snorted as he tossed his key aside.  
  
"Welcome home, Major Alenko. You have one thousand six hundred and eighteen new messages," Avina said brightly.  
  
Kaidan blinked, looked back at Cortez, who merely shrugged, and then back at the VI. "Who the hell are you?"  
  
"I'm Avina, home use model 4.5. I'm a fully functional virtual assistant who..." The little orange Asari chirped, rattling off her many useful functions.  
  
"No, no, where did you come from? You're not my VI. When were you installed?" Kaidan knew he sounded hysterical.  
  
"Major..." Cortez started and the VI blinked expansively.  
  
"I have been installed for four hours, six minutes and thirty four seconds. I was purchased via your Amazon unlimited account. You can earn up to three hundred credits towards pantry items if you fill out a brief survey regarding your satisfaction," it said delightedly.  
  
"I want my old VI back. Reinstall it, please," Kaidan mumbled, ignoring Steve's confused look  
  
"Kaidan, what's going on?" Cortez asked as the VI glazed over while she searched something.  
  
"I'm sorry, Major Alenko, I am unable to retrieve previous installations. If you would like the Official Commander Shepard edition virtual assistant, I can open your account and..." She cut off as Kaidan stabbed a button on his omnitool.  
  
"It fucking ordered its replacement and installed it while I was gone." Kaidan sat down heavily on the garish ottoman, the one point of lurid colour in the otherwise blank apartment. "That asshole. He left me again."  
  
"Maybe it didn't like goodbyes any more than Shepard did." Cortez sat on the edge of the couch.  
  
"Maybe," Kaidan said, laughter bubbling up unchecked in his chest until he started to cry. "I wish I could have said goodbye one last time."  
  
And, as the pilot cautiously put his arms around Kaidan, they both knew damn well he didn't mean the VI.

 

_**SIX** _  
  
_"I never wanted to say goodbye. Not to you. Not ever. I've always been a coward like that," A voice said in the rainy night, as a VI's-view of Kaidan's bland white apartment closed with pop of static._

 

_**SEVEN** _  
  
Rain fell slow and heavy on the three figures standing a nearby rooftop. Down below the city clanked and honked as always.  EDI shifted her shields to divert the rain and clasped her hands behind her back, watching the shadow figures move through the golden warmth of the apartment's light.  
  
"I think you should have told them," she said simply, visor glowing in the gloom. "Game playing seems childish at this point."  
  
Harbinger stood silently, rigid and dark, but Guide shook its head and touched its faceplate, blue light sparking along the edges as the elaborate plates folded back on themselves.  The hard light face that appeared beneath it sizzled gently as the rain pattered against the plasma fields.

Heavy, handsome features and blue eyes that burned like a drive core. "I take offence at that EDI," Shepard laughed softly with a tilt of his head. "I *am* only a few weeks old, after all."  
  
"You know what I meant," she said primly. Beside her, Harbinger's wing unfolded to shield Shepard from the rain.  
  
The face stuttered and suddenly he was younger, a teenager's face in the confines of the armour. "It's hard to keep being an adult. Not enough time to grow and too much to do in the meantime," He chuckled wearily.  
  
"You should have told them, Commander," EDI repeated, concerned. "That you overwrote the Catalyst. With your own... With your soul."  
  
"What good would it have done?" he asked , lips twitching in a faint smile. "I barely understand what happened when I became part of the gestalt. I can't very well explain it to anyone else. And where we're going, none of you can come. And none of you can heal if we stay. This way... This way I think you'll help each other navigate the world that will come when we're gone."  
  
"You're not even giving them the choice." EDI shifted, as close to scowling as she ever came.  
  
"I'm giving them all the choices in the world, EDI." Shepard turned to her. "They can move forward together or alone. Or not move forward at all." There was a simulation of a long breath. "And I'm selfish, EDI. I'm a coward. I want them to remember Shepard as he was. Who danced like a krogan and left a debris field wherever he ate. Who laughed and cried and bled. I want them to remember Shepard the man, not Shepard the Guide."  
  
EDI made a low hum of disapproval, turning her gaze back to the window.  
  
"Your former Commander has two requests, if you could honour them," he added as the thunder rumbled overhead.  
  
"Of course, Shepard." She smiled, faint but genuine, as he took her hands. "Anything."  
  
"The first... Well... protect them, EDI. Kaidan... All of them. Do whatever you can to keep them safe." Shepard squeezed her hands, the light of her visor playing along the mirrored finish of his chassis.  
  
"Of course. For as long as I function. And the other?" She smiled, so much more natural than in those first days when she had first learned.  
  
Shepard leaned forward and gently kissed her forehead, catching EDI as she crumpled in his arms with a soft, electronic sigh. "Forget we've ever spoken," He said softly as he settled her on the rooftop. "Remember your duty, but forget what face the Guide wears beneath its  mask. Remember Shepard the Man. And thank you for your service, my friend."  
  
Shepard straightened and the Guide's faceplate folded closed as he turned to Harbinger. He held out his hand. "Are you ready? We have a lot to do before we can leave. Explore the last roads the Catalyst left out in dark space and what lies beyond."  
  
"You are the most trying creature I have ever met." Harbinger took it, lifting his wing higher as it pulled Shepard closer. "It will still take time to finish the repairs we promised and gather the rest of the fleet."  
  
High above, Harbinger's massive ship-body loomed, a darker shadow through the luminescent night clouds. Guide leaned against the chassis beside him, and spared one last glance back to the warm light of the window.  
  
"We have all the time in the universe. Let's go."

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed Carborundum, please consider [The Dark Road](https://archiveofourown.org/series/21612) \- a little ongoing series approaching this story from a somewhat different angle ;)


End file.
